Couples and relationship therapy

Most people come to relationship therapy after they've had the same fight enough times to know how it goes. You can each say your lines, and you still can't find the way out of it, and somewhere along the way it started to feel like one of you has to be the problem.

Who is this for?

Couples, mostly, and plenty of them are monogamous. Also triads and polycules, partners who are opening up or closing back down, metamours trying to share a life without being each other's partner, and people who've been together long enough that they're no longer sure what they're doing together. Kink is welcome in the room, whether it's part of what's working or part of what's hard.

The shape of the relationship changes the details and not much else. We look at what's happening between you, what each of you wants, and what's in the way.

I'm poly myself, and I don't think non-monogamy is better or more evolved than monogamy. It's a different shape with its own problems, and so is monogamy.

What do people bring?

The same argument on a loop. Distance that crept in slowly enough that nobody noticed until it was large. An affair, or a broken agreement, which in an open relationship can hurt every bit as much. One of you wanting to open things up and the other not. A new partner changing the balance of a system that used to work. Desire that's gone quiet, or stopped matching. Kink one of you wants to bring in and the other isn't sure about. A move, a baby, an illness, or one of you coming out or transitioning, and the way that changes who you each are inside the relationship.

Nobody has to be the designated problem

It's common for one person to arrive sure they're being brought in to get fixed, and for another to arrive hoping I'll agree with them. I'm not going to take a side. That isn't the same as staying neutral about everything, and if something in the room is causing harm I'll say so, to whoever needs to hear it.

What we're working on is the relationship, and each of you gets to be a whole person inside it, with a history that shaped how you love and what you do when you're scared.

If there's violence in the relationship, or someone is afraid of a partner, sessions together usually aren't the safe place to start. Tell me at the consultation, privately if you need to, and we'll work out what is.

What does a session look like?

Mostly it looks like slowing a conversation down. When something lands hard we stop there instead of moving past it, and I'll ask each of you what's happening in your body, or which part of you is doing the talking right now. A lot of fights are two protective parts talking to each other while the people behind them wait. When those parts get a little room, the people underneath can usually start hearing each other again.

I'll tell you what I notice about the pattern between you. You decide together what to do with it.

Can we also have individual sessions?

Some people come to joint sessions and also see me on their own, and some only want one or the other. Whether that works depends on the situation, and we decide it together at the start, so nobody is surprised later about what's shared and what isn't.

If only one of you wants to come, that's still worth doing. Working on your own patterns can shift a whole relationship more than people expect.

How does it work over telehealth?

You can join from the same room or from different places, which helps when partners live apart or one person needs some distance to say something hard.

What does it cost?

Sessions with partners run 60 to 90 minutes, whichever suits you, whether there are two of you or more. They're on a sliding scale of their own from $100 to $300 an hour, based on your combined household income. There's no per-person charge and no surcharge for the shape of your relationship. The full scale is on the fees page.

To start, book the consultation the same way anyone does and say you're coming with a partner or partners when you reach out.

Practical: 60- to 90-minute telehealth sessions, Ohio and Colorado. Sliding scale. English or Spanish.